it has been a fun couple of days and it’s not over yet

ive been eating and drinking too much and i still have a slight hangover from last night, but im still really happy to have my family spend so much time together.. i love october because of this. my aunts, uncles, mom, bros, cousins and nieces.. all of us together, eating drinking shopping going to the graveyard and laughing at nonsense.

im jobless but i hope i’ll remember that THIS is what i should work for. quality time with loved ones.

today we had a buffet lunch at shang makati and oh my god i kinda wish i just had three trips to the japanese buffet table instead of one and instead of filling myself up with naam and curry cos right now im having serious sushi-related guilt and it’s not from eating too much, it’s from not eating enough when i could have eaten three plates and that’s the worst kind of sushi guilt :( sometime in the future i will have to go on an all you can eat sushi meal to make it up to myself.

during dessert (three mini cake squares, a bite of chocolate pudding, coffee, and melon bites with chocolate) i managed to convince everyone to come home with us to stay around in alabang while my brother and i wait for our mom and to come home with us to laguna to sleep so now my three cousins are on my bed :>

i bought a really nice, cheap sleeveless shirt that i’m wearing tomorrow to one of our cousins’ going away party. he’s going to work in dubai :) so im going with my cousins as they go back to QC and this time im the one sleeping over (probably after a few drinks). 

and my brother found a Cake trucker cap in the same store (artwork. LOVE artwork, man) and both items are REALLY cheap for their coolness and quality.

love unplanned stuff like this.

i didn’t bring my camera so no food photos but i kinda like it this way. had to walk in heels anyway, wouldnt really have the finesse.

i’ve felt bad these few days because 1) i still can’t graduate 2) didn’t get accepted in my first job interview ..but right now i’m reminded of how nice it is to still be a jobless student, to still be your parents’ kid, to have sem break and time to drink and have fun, to have sleepovers with your cousins, and to be given some fun-money when your mom drops you off at the mall so you can have some coffee or cheap trinkets if you like. i’ve always guilt-tripped myself about still being dependent at this age, but now that i can say i have experienced trying my best and it just didn’t really work for me yet, i can say “why not enjoy it while i’m still at this stage?” i’m not imposing anything on anyone, and i show my gratitude and love to my mom when i can. i really don’t have any pride left to defend, and i’m not putting up a front pretending i’m independent and my mom is neglectful. im still sending out CV’s, and fully dedicated to getting my prof to approve me. so why should i make myself suffer?

I may do it two years late, and not with flying colours, but I will graduate.

and hopefully earn a living eventually.

there might be visa problems and money problems and work problems and things might not work out as i’d like, like how it happened with everything lately. but i know i’ll be okay. cos i’m okay now. i was dragged all muddy across the proverbial mud of life in the span of a couple of months and here i am, feeling okay.

:)

i just wanted to write it here cos this is my slow, self-centered tumb and i want to remember this :)

felicelilithfawn:

Rich just randomly emailed me from work to re-confess his undying love for me and to tell me that I’m beautiful. After 9 years, he still treats me this way. I’m definitely marrying the right man.

(Source: felicefawn)

feel bad about how i have been using the air con like every day

tomorrow i shall apply to this day care nearby, i hope it works out

had a great bath today, and now im having some tea

weirdly sleepy even though i slept for almost 12 hours last night

might be because i was awake for 36 hours before that

I have not been making any sort of big improvements on my eating or exercise habits or weight loss like I have hoped. However, yesterday I reached a small milestone in my personal body acceptance issues.

There was a time when I started losing a lot of weight early college, tried on a string bikini and still didn’t like the way that I looked. 

They emphasized the things I hated most about my body: flat butt, less-than-perky breasts that look so sad sometimes, a big upper body (big ribcage, big arms) which had always made me feel less feminine than how I’d wish to be, a flat butt, and a fat back.

I guess from that time I felt like string bikinis were a “don’t go there” kind of thing for my body type, regarding the things I was willing to do. When I looked at myself in the mirror what I felt was a desperate “whyy won’t you be good enough?”… Fat wasn’t the issue anymore. I can’t blame it anymore. But I still felt like “maybe if I get really really thin, I would look good in one.”

It’s a great thing that I’m too lazy and love food too much for that thought to have ever harmed me. Fast forward a couple of years, (yesterday) my best friends and I were gallivanting around the Glorietta/Greenbelt area. Carmen caught sight of a store called “Woman”.. We went inside, and I ended up finding a rack of bikinis for just P195 each! I tried on a very fat-friendly turquoise print bikini that supported the boobs really well. But I felt that the print was too outdated. I checked back into the rack and took two bikinis with me into the fitting room. Another blue one, which was a halter with diamond pattern print and a black string bikini with silver details… To be honest I was just curious about how I’d look in the black one. But in the end it’s the one I took because I actually liked how I looked in it!

Liking my body has been a slow process. Loving it unconditionally was a bit easier, because I think I’m an accepting person. However, feeling that it looks good enough has been slow too. I’ve done many things to force myself into feeling that, and I think it’s really working! I still feel like I should work on my tummy, my arms, and my butt is still small (the bikini’s a bit loose on that area) but I did not feel disgusting at all in this suit. 

I will alter the butt part though. The bikini’s. Not my butt. So it can fit me better.

I think from now on, I will just focus on feeling good and energetic, and being strong and firm. That’s something I can actually win at. Wanting to change my body for clothes is silly. Clothes are made for bodies, not the other way around.

mama looks so stressed today, it’s nice i think for her to see us together in this

even if she doesnt appreciate it it’s still a nice experience :)

brb! pictures later

first part was ok, when i had materials to discuss

but leave me on my own and im like

“weather’s nice innit”

heoheoheo why am i so awkwurrrd

stopped feeling sleepy right around midnight like i should cos of the other day :( and what’s worse E stayed up with me the whole time so his pattern got messed up too :< he’s always been the better sleeper between the two of us :( aaaaa

i hope this gets fixed soon. for now i’m just sorry about it but also very touched that he’d do this for me and not even regret it one bit even though there had been serious repercussions (he was practically bedridden yesterday) :(

in other news, i delayed graduation againnnn but, school really is over. i just delayed passing some requirements because i really couldn’t imagine continuing the horrible cycle of chasing ALL WEEKEND after what i went through on thursday and friday. I decided that it’s all nonsense to be so hasty and there’s no real reason to sacrifice my health because I’m still done with school and I really am going to start working anyway. I just need to pass requirements before october.