Liebling

[time] will come and we’ll find our way to each other, for life

and i will eventually get used to the beauty of your nearness

the comfort of the consistency

watering down the obsession i have for you

to pin-sized lumps in warm, home-style, soul food, soup

trickling down, warming the lips, the throat, pooling at the pit of the chest

dispersing heat that momentarily allows me to feel my insides

sudden awareness

of a space that’s always been there

now inhabited

coming alive

by a fist-sized trophy future

once perceived, [now] ingested

and made true on the inside.

these are the kinds of days where two showers are necessary

and sometimes not even enough

when you wonder if you’ve been eating more than your share

because you’ve bloated, and then you realise it’s the heat

and that you’re expanding

you’re pieces of matter after all,

even though sometimes you forget

it’s not pretty

to be in between two sizes

you’ve been here before

a nine year old

feeling sexless and free

only to come home to a mother telling you 

that you need to wear something under your shirt

because your breasts betray the youth 

that has been everything you knew

up to that point

and here you are again

wondering about the next shape you’ll take

it’s days like these where you try to escape your body

sleeping more often than usual

mind racing, impossible to pin down

to the one task you know you need to commit to

if you’re ever to leave this phase

you’re hot, molten metal

but your final form is still

peaceful, purposeful

solid enough to permeate 

and to leave a mark.

the sun is testing you

and there is no way out of the heat

for now

to be enlightened, is to be lit

bright enough

to see through the shadow of the discomfort

emanating from the same source

i feel like

a cup holder

a door frame

there’s just an empty space

somewhere around me

or inside

i’m something but somehow

not this something unless

you’re there to fill the space

i was made to keep empty of myself

to make room for you

in who i am